It’s been six months since I last released a blog! I’ve missed writing so much and it’s truly one of my favorite ways to connect with Jesus, reflecting back on all that He’s done and how faithful He is, even when I’m not… which brings me to recapping the Summer. Even though I took a break from writing on a month to month basis, I don’t want to look back and regret not documenting a whole season in our journey. As we enter into Fall here in Chicago, I wanted to pause, reflect, and recap those months marked by sun, vacations, and memories (and we did make some of those). Spiritually speaking though, it felt more like winter inside my spirit and although these are times I would rather just delete from my memory, I think it’s important to document all the highs and lows, knowing that nothing is despised or wasted from God’s perspective.
My husband and I had some petitions before the Lord in fasting and prayer during this past Summer. These included the possibility of moving back “home” (Florida) and embarking on a career path we’ve always dreamt of, requests we kept confidential with only a select group of Godly people we chose to include to help us pray for God’s will to be accomplished. After two months of a grueling wait, we finally got the answer that we were not hoping for, but we expected. I actually shocked my own self by my nonchalant reaction (so not me). When waiting on God has become a way of life, it tends to make your heart sick and if I’m totally honest, you prepare yourself for disappointment, a lot. These recent disappointments coupled with our long journey of waiting for a miracle baby, was a perfect Instant Pot recipe for the enemy… I saw myself getting to this ugly place in my relationship with the Lord, but I didn’t have the will power to stop it. I imagine that’s what looking at a tsunami wave feels like – with all those imaginative super powers in you, you probably hold up your hands and scream “stop!”, but its power and destructive nature takes its course anyway. Even if I prayed and wished this season away in my life, it was coming full force and there was nothing this “Super Faith Girl”, cape strapped on and all, could do about it. I had come to the end of myself.
I have had some cave seasons in our journey of waiting for our miracle baby which I’ve written about before, but I never knew what people meant when they said they had experienced “the dark night of the soul.” I didn’t recognize it when I was in the thick of it, but looking back now, it was more than just a night – try about ninety nights, is that even a thing? My soul booked an extended stay without my consent and it was anything but relaxing (I love spontaneous, but this was too much to handle). When the Word warns us that we’re in a spiritual battle, now I have a memory seared in my mind of what that truly means. I wondered how I was ever going to survive or get back to a place of “supernatural faith” ever again. I was such a fraud and phony. The girl everyone looked to for prayer and an encouraging word was long gone. I had wrapped her up in grave clothes to forever rest in “peace”. What I experienced was everything but that…
I was raw and vulnerable about where my heart was with the local fertility support group I “lead” (I’ll admit that they were really leading me in this season). I remember saying to them, “I’m done believing God for a miracle baby. Jia’s going into high school, we’re almost done anyway and then we’re empty nesters, we’re just planning life without anymore children. If God wanted to do it, He would’ve done it already. Besides… if He wants to do it great, and if He doesn’t great. We’re taking down the nursery and giving it to a Mom who’s in need and can put it to better use. We’ve decided to just not talk about it anymore, we’re burying that desire. We’re done.” All to which they nodded with such grace, love, and understanding, knowing there is no linear path on this journey of waiting for the miraculous. Sometimes it’s neat and tidy, all tied up with a silky, red bow, but more times than not, it’s messy, dirty, and plain old ugly. And no one likes climbing down into that kind of pit to get dirty with you, but I thank God on a weekly basis for this group of girls He’s trusted me with, they were truly my lifesavers in that season. Truth be told, it was a hard Summer for a lot of us: failed transfers, delayed operations, insurance and financial issues, and just a lot of overall discouragement. We were clinging to each other trying desperately not to drown in this ocean of despair.
My relationship (or lack thereof) with the Lord was a direct reflection of my marriage in this season as well. I threw some really hard questions my husband’s way: “Where is God? Why is He so silent? Tell me where He is in all of this! I cannot trust Him with my heart’s desires. He’s made waiting and disappointment a permanent “pit stop” in our lives. Fine if He doesn’t want to answer the whole baby thing, but these disappointments, too? I want to go home, I want to run as far away from all of this as possible! At least being close to family again will help soothe the pain. But no, not even that desire will He give us. What is the point of all this? Why are we here?! Just tell me something that makes sense! Does He even exist?” All of this lead to the one and only panic attack I had experienced in my life and I was convinced I needed professional help. I cried from the depths of my soul, I literally felt like the car was caving in on me, and I needed air; but not just oxygen for my lungs, my dead faith needed a resurrection… and was there ever going to be a counselor or doctor that could give me what I needed to literally keep living? Because for this girl, living life without supernatural faith is literally her being a zombie walking around in grave linens, no good for herself or for anyone else around her.
To be continued…
P.S. if you live in the Chicagoland area and want to join our local support group, please message me at email@example.com. If you don’t live near, please go to the Moms in the Making website and find a local support group in your area. No one should have to walk this road alone!