It’s January 15th, we’re in the middle of a cold and snowy winter in Chicago… there is nothing green in nature these days that brings my natural eye any hint of life. Ohhhh, but what a stark difference to the inside of my heart and home these days. I spoke these words to my husband on Sunday “I think I’m nesting”. What? He didn’t say that (at least out loud) because he is one very smart man, but I said that in my head as the words spilled out. What are you saying Vanessa? Let me explain what has transpired in the last two weeks and maybe getting it out on this blog post will help me feel a little less crazy (fingers crossed).
As I wrote in my last blog, the end of December was emotionally and spiritually grueling for both my husband and I. We were so upset when that “Christmas miracle” didn’t appear under the tree tied up with a pretty, red bow. We felt so disappointed and hurt. For me personally, that turned into feeling a sting in my heart towards God. Every time someone would send me a message or a “new” prophetic word would come out relating to fertility, I would say “Ok Lord, You’ve said enough, just DO it already! I cannot handle this anymore.” I felt like throwing in the towel on everything fertility related: the ministry, the blog, the new support group, even my desires for a miracle baby. I came to a point where I said “Ok God – You win, You are sovereign, this is not Your will for our lives, I accept that.” In my flesh, I just didn’t want to torture myself anymore with the emotional roller coaster – I just wanted off. So I did, I got off, but it wasn’t until much later that God Himself extended me an invitation to hop right back on again… but this time it was all so different. It wasn’t an emotional roller-coaster, it was a God-coaster. “Do you trust me?”
Sunday, January 7th, we attended our official first service at our new church and our Pastor spoke a word on Isaiah 43:18-19:
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
He said you have to live on the edge of your seat in expectation of what God is about to do: it will be unexpected and it will cause others to worship God in awe. The worship team sang a song called “New Thing” – I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and my spirit soared like it was my freedom anthem. You know when they show those videos of a seed sprouting its first shoot? I felt that “springing up” in my heart, something new was birthed (and I had no idea what it was), I didn’t have details but I knew this was so different than anything else I had ever felt in our nearly 6.5 years of our fertility journey. The Pastor instructed us to close our eyes and visualize that “thing” you’ve been waiting on God for. I saw my baby’s crib and streams of tears were pouring out of my eyes as I whispered “God I trust you.”
That Tuesday, I shared the stroller testimony on our Instagram and Facebook pages (please read it if you haven’t already, it’s too long to recap here). On that same post, at the end, I wrote “now we have to pray hard about the car seat that goes into this bad boy, you can imagine the price tag, but my God owns it all.” Well, the next day I connected with a woman on eBay that had one listed, we negotiated over private messaging and I ended up paying 50% off the retail price. Then I looked for my dream “baby bag” that I fell in love with on one of our #fertilityfaithfieldtrips to the Chicago Baby Show and I found it on Amazon for 50% off the retail price. This 3 piece bundle goes for $1,300 or more online, we paid NOWHERE near that and I give God all of the glory because He cares about even the smallest details. Like I said in the testimony, more than anything material, He found a way to speak to me radically to get me to hope again. He knew it couldn’t be just words or anything I had experienced in the past. It had to be a “New Thing”. That same week we had our first small group meeting at our new church and guess what? 50% of the couples there have dealt with infertility and God has given them their miracles babies! Can you believe that? How truly strategic is our God!
On the fertility end, not much has changed naturally, but so much has changed spiritually. I have been dreaming so much and God is reassuring me almost daily. I woke up this past Sunday and told my husband “God is going to give us two babies, and I don’t mean twins. I know one will be through adoption and one will be natural conception.” He looked at me kind of puzzled, but he’s used to my crazy ways already, so he just replied “Amen!” To anyone who’s reading this, understand I have ZERO evidence to back up this statement. I don’t have a positive pregnancy test, I do not have a signed adoption contract or even a birth mother. Crazy right? But this is the God I serve! I refuse to be seen as “normal” in anyone’s eyes. Why settle for less when we serve the God of miracles? Later that evening, I am prepping for our Moms in the Making local support group and I get a text from Elisha from Waiting for Baby Bird. She said “I was in the shower last night praying for you and God said Double Portion, but He didn’t mean twins. One will come from adoption and one will come from natural conception. They will be so born so close in date people will think they are twins.”
To say that everything came to a standstill is an understatement. I lost my breath for 2-3 seconds. Everything froze in time. This woman has NO IDEA what just transpired that very same morning and what I had told my husband in our bedroom (unless Elisha planted a bug in my room to spy on me, she’s crazy, but not THAT crazy). God confirmed through her that bold statement that flowed from my mouth that very same morning and proved “I’m not insane! God is truly in this!!!” Later on, my husband came through the door and I just started bawling. Immediately he’s like “What’s wrong?” and started rubbing my back. I couldn’t get the words out. “Look what just happened.” I went on to show him Elisha’s text.
“Babe, I’m scared. I think I’m nesting. I’ve never gathered so much baby stuff. Every time I go to a store I go to the baby section, I’m collecting items like this is happening soon. I don’t know what God is doing, but something is different this time.” Maybe you’re wondering why the first thing I said was “I’m scared”? Because I’m nesting for what seems to everyone like an egg-less nest, and that’s scary at times (even to this crazy-faith girl). We both knew in that moment we had to run into the only arms that could make us feel secure. We were both crying by this point and we went to our faith nursery and knelt down in front of the crib and gave God thanks for what He is doing behind the scenes. We have no idea what He’s up to and we have nothing to show outwardly for our expression of praise, but that is FAITH. Giving God praise AFTER something happens is called gratitude, giving God praise BEFORE something happens – that’s called FAITH. I challenge you to put action behind your faith and watch God move in your life like never before. He is faithful and He wants to do a NEW THING!
To be continued…
P.S. Out of obedience to Jesus, we have chosen to walk away from agency adoption. We choose to boldly step out in faith and believe that God will provide our birth mother in a supernatural way. Please keep us in your prayers!