“You are one in one million men who has this diagnosis – unexplainable, non-obstructive azoospermia.” (As I write this post, it wants to auto correct that last word, yep, it’s a word!) We sat stunned, not sure whether to cry since we felt we hadn’t even heard him right the first time. Say what? The doctor went ahead and said it again. “You are one in one million men who have this diagnosis. I’m sorry – you only have two options. Either use a sperm donor or adopt.” We shook hands and left his office, I’m sure we didn’t speak any words on the elevator ride down from his 14th floor office. It was nearly twelve o’clock, normal lunch hour, so we did what normal people would do. We went across the street and sat down at a restaurant. But nothing, we knew absolutely nothing, was ever going to be normal again. I sat at that table, looked my husband in the eyes, and I couldn’t bare it any longer. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed like someone had just given one of us a death sentence, yet in this scenario, it was a death sentence for two. I felt like the bathroom walls were caving in, I felt like I would collapse from the panic. I sat on the floor and just wept for a good 30 minutes.
Say what? Our dream of having a child together was done, just like that? How can a human being hand out such a sentence? I needed air, my spirit needed air. I called the only friend I had in a new city, barely six months new. “Just let it out, just breathe, I am here,” she said. And then she did what could only keep me alive in that moment, she prayed for me, for us, and left our unknown future in the hands of her very real God – supernatural faith she called it. I knew “regular” faith. Being born and raised in church, all this girl knew was a very distant God. One that I met with only on Sundays and occasionally a Wednesday, here and there. What is this supernatural faith she’s talking about?
Say what? How does she even pray like that? How can something I’ve been around for almost 30 years be so foreign to me? She knew my condition all too well and I expected her to get impatient and walk out on my kind. Those that know a lot in their head about God, the Bible, and the heroes in it but have not the slightest clue who He is at all. But she didn’t give up on me. God knew I needed a lifeline that day, an anchor to hold me secure to what my head knew of Him – and that was enough to get me by that day. But she knew it wouldn’t be enough to see the journey through. She knew a lot about “the wait”, much more than an unexperienced, newlywed couple who just found out they couldn’t have babies ever could. And she was determined to teach me everything she knew and boy was I in for a ride. After she hung up, I can picture her confidently laughing and looking up saying, “Thank you Lord for bringing me another one, I can’t wait to see how this one ends.” She had victories to look back on and reflect on the goodness and faithfulness of God. And she was determined to let me borrow her lenses and convince me He wanted to do it for us as well.
I am writing this blog and retelling events that happened five years ago. I wish I could tell you that our miracle baby has arrived. I cannot say that the grand finale is here, not yet anyway. But I can now say – I have witnessed the miracle of turning my foreign, so cold and distant God into the God who is now my best friend and confidant (and who I HAVE to meet with every morning or cannot function). I have witnessed the miracle of not having to call my friend as my lifeline, instead running to Jesus when I cannot endure “the wait” that I now know so well. I have witnessed the miracle of now becoming the one that looks up and laughs confidently when I meet yet another infertile couple and say, “Thank you Lord for bringing me another one, I can’t wait to see how this one ends.” I have witnessed the miracle of having my own pair of lenses as I look back on how good and faithful my God has been in “the wait”. I have witnessed the miracle of watching unsaved family members now stand on the sidelines and cheer us on in faith (ironic, is it not?)
I have now been infused with this supernatural faith – a faith that believes these words can bring life and hope to millions, a faith that believes my God can turn the impossible into a reality, a faith that believes that these very words can speak life into what seem like dead situations. And perhaps the smallest miracles, not the grand finale, are the greatest miracles we will witness and experience this side of Heaven. Miracles that give, not just once, but miracles that keep giving life over and over again to others. If you’re waiting for anything – a spouse, a baby, a career, a prodigal child, or anything at all, then you know how waking up to one lifeline on a dark and lonely day can be just the thing that keeps you hoping one more day. I pray this blog becomes one of those lifelines.
I will be rewinding the tape in future blog posts, writing many, many more details to the story. Until then, please feel free to comment, ask questions, or just share your personal journey of waiting. I forgot to mention that I love to pray, I mean I LOVE to pray (tell that to the girl in the bathroom stall five years ago, she would’ve gotten a kick out of it and probably rolled her eyes while she was at it). So if you need just that, please leave your prayer request below or go to the “Contact Us” page and I will get a private message with your request. You have my promise that I will be faithful to present it to our mighty God.